Cayden’s Controversies: Pumpkin Yikes

Fall is advertised as a wonderful time when people can wear sweaters and drink expensive coffees while picking apples. We live in the real world though and I have been disgusted with it since fall started September 22, 2020. 

I feel like fall just wants to attack me. I can’t function with my allergies and biowarfare is not a fair tactic. It is a miserable few months full of sore throats and runny noses. Sorry, Jennifer, I can’t smell that pumpkin spice candle even if I wanted to. 

Speaking of the devil. Just the words “pumpkin spice” makes me shudder with cringiness. It isn’t even a real flavor and everyone is doing cartwheels in their yoga pants for an overpriced drink. Aside from the classic lattes, pumpkin spice is everywhere I look. It is honestly like The Tale Tell Heart, it does not matter where I am at, I see pumpkin spice and it is driving me crazy! Pumpkin spice drinks, pumpkin spice candles, pumpkin spice candy, pumpkin spice brownies, pumpkin spice car trees, pumpkin spice chapstick. AHHHHHHHH! Make it stop, please! I will be on my deathbed and someone will be hooking me to a pumpkin spice IV or wrapping me in pumpkin spice sheets. It doesn’t make sense, but soon it will. So keep sipping that latte in loud judgmental ways all you want, Jonathan!

Forget that, I can’t think with the loud masculinity erupting from the world of fantasy football. I play games with all of my favorite characters and I am called a nerd. But since it has to do with football it makes it okay? What is even the point? Where do the points come from? And why does it matter so much? I can’t finish a sentence anymore without someone yelling in anger for some reason. Just watch the stupid games and talk trash, isn’t that what this whole sport is about?

The people I can’t stand most are those that want to go apple picking. What a great idea! Let’s all go work for a hairy farmer for free! They better not rip me off, I am not stupid! Well, I can get apples with no worms in them for a cheaper price at a supermarket. Orchards only attract city slickers in their Lucchese shoes, their designer sun hats, and Target brand scarves to come and take Instagram photos and complain that it is muddy and smelly. I’m sorry, where do you think you are? This is a farm, Brenda, it’s going to be dirty. And for that smell, for all, we know it’s your nasty breath after you downed a gallon of pumpkin spice garbage!

The scariest thing on Halloween isn’t the costumes or the movies. What really sends a shiver down my spine is when I walked into a store on October 4, and it is decorated ceiling to floor with Christmas decorations. Christmas is a time where I put all of my retail customer service training to use and pretend I am happy to see my family. I cannot keep this up for three months let alone three hours. And I am fully capable of fighting against this monstrosity. Armed with my black coffee and morning newspaper, I will fight off every Hallmark movie, pumpkin spice latte, Ralph Lauren scarf, and wreath. So you better watch out, Kathy, I am annoyed and caffeinated, I will destroy you.

My mental state is now shattered. I picture it now, within the next few years, all that will be sold will be Christmas decorations and pumpkin spice lattes. We can do something about it, people! It isn’t too late, but we are just about there. Say no to basic fall crap!